Thoughts on Exercise. . .

as received from a friend at work who forwarded them to me in an email today. I don't know who wrote them but if I did, I would certainly give that clever person credit right here. Since I can't give proper acknowledgement, let me at least share them with my loser family, especially those who haven't done much exercising in recent history but are readying themselves for Weigh-In #3 this weekend.

You know who you are.

"Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed and her thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Perky, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And, if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me those stupid barbells. Or anything else that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. And I would have, but I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote so I ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!"

And here, Stimpsons, are the Biggest Loser stats (of those reporting) going into the weekend:

1st place weight loss, women: Nicea (-4), Shawn (-4)

1st place weight loss, men: Kevin (-6)
2nd place weight loss, men: Banana Hammock (-4)

1st place points, women: Jaime Escalante (110)
2nd place points, women: Jana Brookes (85), Princess Consuela (85)

1st place points, men: Kevin (114)
2nd place points, men: no contest (Banana Hammock thinks his total is 700. Ha! Somebody give this boy a reality check, will ya?)