Little Rascals

These guys recently got a new home. 

A celebration ensued.

The two events were unrelated.

But...

May all your holiday celebrations be as joyful.

Christmas Plagiarism With(out) Permission and With(out) Remorse

"I'm lying here* on the couch listening to the dryer and the dishwasher. Those are good sounds." This will happen on Saturday.  Though I AM lying on the couch as you read this.

"I've shopped 'til I have no more legs."  Internet.  Raw fingertips.  My legs are fine.  "I've wrapped the presents."  Check.  "I've trimmed the tree." Soon, my friend.  Soon.  It's standing in the living room with the ladder at its side.  Baby steps.  "I've hung the stockings." That would be Saturday.  "I've washed the sheets and made up the beds."  Okay, I washed the sheets.  Geez.

"I'm pretty sure the dishes will waltz out of the dishwasher (white dishes can't dance) into the cupboards and the clothes will fold themselves and march up the stairs to the closet soon."  There's just the small matter of the load that's been in the washer for a week.  Rewash (again) with Tide and vinegar to remove the mildewy smell?  I'll get back to you on that. 

"And then the bathrooms will clean themselves and the dusting will somehow get done."  If I don't wear my glasses, my house doesn't have dust.  "For now I don't really care."  "No truer words from tongue or pen..."

"BECAUSE IN LESS THAN TWO," FIVE "DAYS MY KIDS START COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!"

"Australia " Italy "was fun and it was exciting to be there" [with my best guy], "but nothing beats" THIS, "this feeling" [is oh, so hard to beat!]

"Eight" Four "will have to be enough this year because Loren is on his mission. He'll call and talk to all of us on the Big Day. Besides, he doesn't have a spouse yet so even if he was only away at college, he might not even be invited because the name of the game this year is couples.  "Abby and Jeff, Max and Perry are in Pennsylvania.  :(

"Greg and Shawn
Tanner and Autumn
Jamie and Kevin
Duncan and Liz"

Fred and Nicea
Annie
Amanda

"Games, movies, presents, decorations, 2.99ers" (maybe In 'n Out?), "caramel popcorn" (possibly), "buttermilk pancakes" (or a reasonable facsimile), "caroling" (uh... us?  Not so much), "some spiritual stuff...and the list goes on."

"Nope, it DOES NOT get better than this. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope."

*a link to the person I plagiarized

Thanks be

for the three women I raised

for these 3 of the 4 women who raised me

for the guy who cooks my turkey and makes good gravy.

      Happy Thanksgiving!

Serendipity

I feel like I have a new friend since lunch on Saturday. 

Maybe even another sister, if I have anything to do with it. 

(One can never have too many sisters.) 

Or friends. 

I think that's proverbial.

Maybe even scriptural.

Spiritual, for sure.

SO.

We met a year and a half ago in a store I'd never been to,

in a city I don't drive to all that often,

on a day when I hadn't planned to go there.  And I certainly didn't have the time.

At first I mistook her for an employee when I walked in, the cheery smile she gave me and all.

      (Good customer service is expected from employees.)

But I already knew what I needed in the store so I returned the greeting and went about my business.  Two or three more times in the minutes that followed I all but bumped into her looking through the same suits and skirts from opposite sides of the same rack.  Or maybe it was pants.  Or sweaters. 

Anyway, two or three more times I noticed her and she smiled. 

This was a classy lady.  She looked confident.  Put together.  Happy, I thought.  The mental note I made each time I saw her said there was something about her that I liked.  But the thoughts didn't linger because how often do you run into a perfect stranger and begin constructing a relationship with them?  Never.   That's how often.

Unless your life is a movie.
 

  In fact, I didn't even think about it.  I just kept shopping.

At the checkout counter the real employees hit me up to open a new credit card.

 I didn't really want one, and mostly didn't want to take the time, but said yes anyway.  I also had an exchange to make.  Which took a long time.

The customers in line at the register next to me came and went.

I chatted with the girl at the cash wrap while I waited for the paperwork to clear.  She knew some people I knew.  We had worked in the same place awhile back...yadda, yadda, yadda. 

Finally, she handed me the charge slip for my signature.  I signed it then picked up my bags and turned toward the door, toward the last register actually, which stood between me and the exit.  In my peripheral vision, I absently noticed that a tall guy was paying for his stuff there and the cashier was handing him his receipt.  Then, just as I looked up, the tall guy turned and I saw who it was. 

"Tom!" 

My surprise at seeing him came through in my voice.  The tall guy at Register 3 was my widower brother-in-law with whom I'd pretty much lost contact in the past many months! 

"What are YOU doing here?" was what he asked me, and I responded in words to the effect that I was the one who should be asking that question since HE was the one

who lived three states away.

His reason for being there was a lot more exciting than mine, I discovered, when he introduced me to the woman he was going to marry that very afternoon.  THE very lady, the one I had mistaken for a store employee when I first walked in! 

What?  Are?  The?  Odds?

Since that time, I've thought about her and Tom a lot, knowing that they live really close now, and wondering how to go about building a relationship with the two of them without inserting myself into theirs uninvited.  I've gleaned bits and snatches of information from my nieces and nephews (my sister's very children!) while trying not to be intrusive or meddlesome or appearing to have an agenda.  (But--I admit it--I have read her blog.  So go ahead, call me a lurker.  Sticks and stones...)

But, to me, blog reading's just not enough.  Families need to be together, and I consider someone married to my BIL to be part of my family.

So that's why I was thrilled when, Saturday, all the stars in the universe finally lined up and she and I got to meet each other for lunch.  It was a good day. 

No, it was a really good day.

And I hope it's the start of a long and happy extended family friendship involving nieces, nephews, grandkids, children, husbands, aunts, uncles, and brothers-in-law.

Did I mention cousins?

Forgive me if I'm feeling a little giddy at the prospects. 

Boo!

The one on the right was on the left

And the one in the middle was on the right

And the one on the left was in the middle

And the guy in the rear*

Was Annie. 

But this post is about the one on the right who is, more accurately, just a little left of center.  It's about her because today's her birthday.  Abby Jane "Boo" Gedicks McIntier.  It might interest you to note that the nickname Boo didn't come from Halloween.  On the contrary, my dear reader(s?), Boo actually derives from Boo Boo Bear, good buddy of Yogi Bear.  The one in the middle, who is really on the left, called her Boo Boo bear when she was a toddler wearing her fuzzy pajama sleeper because she looked like a cuddly little bear padding around the house.

Speaking of bears, the one in the middle, who is actually on the left, grew his beard on the Appalachian Trail, which is home to many bears.  But not to the bear on the right, who is more accurately just a tad left of center. 

The one on the left, who is not part of this story, has never been on the Appalachian Trail.  The one in the rear has. 

Happy birthday, to you Boo Boo Bear.  And many, many more.

Love,

Mom

*Johnny Cash   

On September 19 . . .

in 1978:
We ran some red lights in Los Angeles in the middle of the night.  While rushing to the hospital to have a new baby.  We later realized we didn't need to speed because the baby wasn't delivered for 22.5 more hours!  (It wasn't my idea to speed anyway.  I was busy trying to confine the water breakage to the towel so it wouldn't damage our car seats.  And I think Fred was just looking for an excuse to . . . be  b-a-d.)

in 2009:
We obeyed all the traffic laws in Orem in the middle of the day!  While driving to the nursery to buy some new trees.  We are now smart enough to know we don't need to speed.  And the trees won't be delivered for four more days anyway.  (It wasn't my idea to buy trees.  I was busy working on school assignments.  And I think Fred was just looking for an excuse to . . . plant trees.)

In 1978:
We suffered the beginning of a 10-day record heat wave in L.A. with a broken air conditioning system at Kaiser-Permanente Hospital.  After the birth, a very hungry new daddy bought himself something to eat at the hospital cafeteria.

In 2009:
We suffered a beginning-of-the-season defeat in Provo by Florida State at LaVell Edwards Stadium.  After the game, a very disappointed hubby bought us some groceries to eat.  At Harmons.  (I think he was just looking for an excuse to . . . buy ice cream.)

In 1978:
We stared at our new son and wondered what he would grow up to be.  Chewed a lot of ice chips.  Had never drunk a Diet Coke, or any other kind of cola. (Except once in junior high when I took one sip of Debbie Steele's cherry coke when we rode her horses to the Dairy Queen after school.  I felt like a true sinner.  For a lot of years.  I never told anybody.)  We noticed how incredibly beautiful our new baby was.

In 2009:
We remembered our grown son and wondered what he would be like today.  Bought large Diet Cokes and chewed all the ice chips.  Noticed how incredibly beautiful the mountains are.  (I think I was just looking for an excuse to . . . not prepare my Primary sharing time for tomorrow.)

We miss you, Alex, on your 31st birthday.  No 
                                        excuses.

I Am Kind

of sad about my blog. 

In case you hadn't noticed, all of my sidebar links have dropped, kind of like my boobs.  They're all the way at the bottom and I don't know how to get them back where they belong. 

My links, not my boobs.

This gorilla is sad, too.  His Tavern on the Green in Central Park is declaring bankruptcy.

Labor Day

It's no secret that I use my blog as an excuse to avoid doing less pleasant tasks. Like writing an inquiry unit for a class I'm taking. It doesn't matter that I just can't think of how to teach prefixes and suffixes using the inquiry method when the sun is shining on a perfectly good day off.

un + enthusiastic = "I don't want it!" (Annie, age 3)
power + less = you can't make me

So, I practice avoidance behavior. Whenever I can. And here's proof:

#1. I didn't blog all summer.

But who would want to blog to avoid these guys?

Certainly not I.

#2. I rest my case.

And now I believe I'll go outside and smell the grass.

Birthday Wish

Wish we could call Ceri for her 56th birthday yesterday. I guess we COULD call her if we stood outside and yelled at the sky, but that is widely considered to be an exercise in futility.

I stood outside and yelled at the sky on Shawn's birthday. It was an exercise in futility.

Maybe it had something to do with what I was yelling. Or it was just a wrong number.

I'm still planning to call you for your birthday, Shawn, but I'll probably use the phone.

Not Bad for a Beginner

These are not her running clothes. But this girl just finished the 180-mile Red Rock Relay in St. George this morning. She and 9 of her teammates completed the whole distance in about 28 hours, and finished in the middle of the pack.

Not bad for a beginner.

I Should Post

Naaaaaa. (Rhymes with that sheep sound, "baaaaaa.")

But you might like this:
http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/kid-parallel-parks.html
It reminds me of how much I miss Max. And Perry.
And their parents.

Shared via AddThis

See You At the Reunion, Losers

ALMOST all weights and measures are in. And, since I know where Jaime Escalante and Kevin are hiding out, ALL results will be in as soon as I personally extract their information from them. (Don't think I won't come right over there and get it. Don't think that for one tiny little minute.)

Here's lookin' atchuh.

Approaching the Finish

Leading men's weight: James in Pink with minus 31 pounds
2nd men's weight: Kevin with minus 18 pounds

Leading women's weight: Jana Brookes with minus 35 pounds
2nd in women's weight: Nicea with minus 22 pounds

Leading Men's points: Kevin with 559 (three weeks ago)

Leading Women's points: Princess Consuela with 767
2nd Women's points: Jaime Escalante with 743
3rd Women's points: Jana Brookes with 732

Updated 5/28/09 at 6:37 p.m. mountain time

Remembering for Dad

I know why they call his The Greatest Generation. Because I grew up in his household and saw him be that, firsthand.

He is probably the most principled man I've ever known.

To him, hard things are challenges to be conquered, not succumbed to.

He always does what he says he will do, when he says he will do it. You can count on him. You can trust him. You know he will take care of you.

You know he will always be true to your mom.

He has always talked straight, never skirted or dodged the truth, and expects no less of his children.

I've never seen him waver in his faith nor in his living of it. I've never even heard a swear word cross his lips! Rackalfratz is about as bad as it gets. Remarkable, considering the ugliness of a war he once fought in.

He loves this nation. His family. Things that grow in gardens and orchards. He understands the need to care for and protect them. He knows it's his job, not the government's or the neighbors'.

He doesn't need much to make him happy. The accumulation of things for the sake of having them isn't in his nature. He never needs the latest car or the biggest house. Just because something is more expensive doesn't make it better.

Frugality is his middle name: Clyde Frugality Stimpson. Turn the water off while you brush your teeth. Turn the lights off when you leave a room. Eat everything on your plate, or don't put it there in the first place. Learn to make repairs yourself. Take good care of your belongings. Make do with what you have.

He believes in never making anyone do anything he wouldn't do himself: like mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, getting a college education, or finishing the job.

He believes in helping people and in giving back what's been given to you. And then some.

He believes that when duty calls, you answer. Willingly. With a smile on your face.

He pushes people toward excellence but when they falter, he grabs them by the arm and pulls them in the right direction until they can get their bearings and continue on their own. His children included.

He's an equal opportunity dad: you screw up, you pay the consequences.

He believes in being a good neighbor. And in obeying the law.

Sadly, this Memorial Day, Dad won't be remembering many, if any, of these things. Alzheimer's has clouded his brain and stolen much of what he once held dear. He doesn't always remember Mom. He forgets that he has to brush his teeth, take a shower.

Yet, he sometimes remembers in vivid detail his landing on the beach in Normandy on D-Day, the first wave of half-tracks that sank to the ocean floor. Severed limbs and broken heads. That whole fight against a tyrant. He remembers repairing radios. Playing Taps and Reveille on the bugle. How much he dislikes ham.

So, he's not the man we once called Daddy, nor the one his friends playfully slapped on the back or the one who loved to dance at parties. But I know he will be again, someday. And I want to get to know him then, as a friend, as the man Mom married, the one who could be the life of the party one minute and the dispenser of wisdom the next.

He's not likely to be with us much longer. A year? Five? A few months? No one knows. But I do know he needs us, now and always, to remember for him. And for his contemporaries, including Mom, who were and are The Greatest Generation.

Call Your Bookie

A dark horse has emerged

and the points race just got more interesting!

Men's points:
Kevin, 553 (last week)
B. Hammock, 2 (Can you say glue factory?)

Men's weight:
James in Pink, -29 (by 11 lengths)
Kevin, -18 (last week)

Women's points:
Princess Consuela, 630 - Whoa, Nelly!!!
Jana Brookes, 618 (Prior omission was track manager error--lo siento, JanaB.)
Jaime Escalante, 580 (last week)

Women's weight:
Jana Brookes, -30 (by a furlong)
Nicea, -16 (still in the saddle)

Thanks Dukes, Boo, Suz, Professor and Jamie, Duncan and Liz!

These gorgeous flowers arrived Saturday via courier.

(Photo by Shawn)

I was surprised.

Why? Well, because the Professor was on a plane somewhere over the Atlantic.

Dukes is across the country setting up for conducting court.

Boo is in Buffalo.

And Suz.....well, she's in the vicinity and even came for dinner with a sweet gift, a funny card and her cute friend Mandy. She had even conspired with the bishopric in a surprise tribute to all the mommy primary teachers! All this while attending to business in her own BYU ward.

I was happily surprised, that's all. With my immediate family scattered to [mostly] the north and easterly winds, I didn't expect anything at all.

However, it was far from a lonely Mother's Day. Shawn, Jamie, Duncan (and Liz) were under this very roof. Jamie, Duncan and Liz shopped for food and cooked us a super nice roast with mashed potatoes and a yummy Caesar salad + dessert: strawberry shortcake. It was heavenly. AND, they did all the dishes afterward. That was heavenly, too.

The professor emailed to say he'd been bumped up to first class and had had a lovely flight to Milan.

Dukes called from Sidley's War Room. Boo in Buffalo called. And the Suz came to keep me company.

I talked to my very own mother who continues to amaze and inspire me in all ways.

Then went for an invigorating walk with the dinner cookers and Shawn on a lovely spring evening in O-Town. 'Twas a lovely day indeed.

Even a Cream Puff Couldn't Stop Her!

Nor could a broken treadmill and a Mexican dinner at Joe Vera's!

Ms. Jana Brookes still holds the women's lead in weight loss with an amazing -29 pounds lost so far!

Nicea's at -14 pounds, after attending the same cream puffy bridal shower as Jana Brookes. Yes, she ate one, too. A cream puff, not a bridal shower.

James in Pink was up against much the same odds last week (broken treadmill but minus the cream puff because he didn't attend the offending bridal shower) and managed to decline to a -27 pounds in total.

Our man Kevin managed to whittle his pounds down another notch for an 18-lb. loss overall and leads the men's point pack with a big 559.

Contending in women's points are Jaime Escalante with 580, Jana Brookes with 561, and Annie with 478.

Way to go losers!

April showers bring May showers

So, I'm wondering how Liz's family and Duncan are doing outside in the rain this morning. It's flower planting day. It's also raining cats and dogs.

How do the wonderful people in Portland get the job done when it rains so often there? Maybe they're a tougher breed than I am. They just go out do it.

art by Alexander Volkov

Sherry Carpet is just another name for culchuh

because she never lets us forget National Poetry Month. And lest April get away from some of us before the occasion is duly noted, let me take this opportunity to bring you a little spring thing from e.e. cummings, which I also put into a comment on Sherry's State of Friss just last night:



Spring is like a perhaps hand
(which comes carefully
out of Nowhere) arranging
a window, into which people look(while
people stare
arranging and changing placing
carefully there a strange
thing and a known thing here) and

changing everything carefully

spring is like a perhaps
Hand in a window
(carefully to
and from moving New and
Old things, while
people stare carefully
moving a perhaps
fraction of flower here placing
an inch of air there) and

without breaking anything.

Just Desserts

Pondering my 2-lb. weight gain of yesterweek brought me to the not-surprising realization that eating

2 white, cream-filled, frosted cupcakes and

1 chocolate frosted cupcake

(maybe two, I can't be sure),

several [large, very] chocolate-dipped strawberries,

1 orange/pineapple graham cracker crust jello dish (no photo),

3 [large,very] BYU chocolate chip cookies,

2 [large, very] BYU other kind of cookies and

2 more [large, very] still other kind of cookies,

2 [tall, very] all-fruit smoothies and

1 piece of cheesecake topped generously with raspberry sauce

may have been the reason.

No pare. Sigue, sigue!

Of those reporting...
Points, men:
Kevin: 505
Banana H: 2 (He's gainin' on you, Kev)

Weight, men:
James IP: minus 26*
Kevin: holding at minus 17
The Professor: a respectable minus 5*

Points, women:
Jaime E: 528*
Jana Brookes: 507
Annie: 437

Weight, women:
Shawnie: minus 79 !!!!! (unofficial)**
Jana Brookes: minus 25
Nicea: minus 12.5 (that's a 2-lb. gain)

No pare. Sigue, sigue!

*added or updated 4/28
**scales crushed by auto (or something like that)

Now it's time to say goodbye...

to all our company,
M-I-C, See you real soon!
K-E-Y, Why? Because we like you!
M - O - U - S - E.

I never like the night before anyone in my family goes away, but especially when the little ones take their leave. It's so final to see the suitcases filling up and the memories stowing away. Tomorrow night will have no bedtime hugs and big, wet kisses. No one will say, "Gwamma let's read it one more time. Just one more time."

So, I'm lucky they'll all be back in June.

I've Just Received a Screamer

and I deserved every word of it! My apologies to Princess Consuela who will be gravitating on May 2 with not one but TWO(2)(dos)(deux)DEGREES OF GLORY: elementary education AND deaf education. Please take a moment to conglomerate her on this most auspicious occlusion.

Pomp and Circumstance

Not to be confused with pop and circumcise. Instead, think granulation, that happy time of year when scholars everywhere commence. Conglomerations to Jeffy McIntier for his masters in the economies, Kevin Federline Escalantepoo for his marriage/dentist's license, Jenica from Texas for getting her bachelor in '08 and her degree in '09, and B-hal for doing the matriculation March for a Masters (in public administration) with style. Kudos and Props. High Fives and Wahoos.

22, 23, 24

Does anyone else think it's cool that three extraordinary people flowers in this family were born on three consecutive days in tulip lovely April? Lola Fallana, Jaime Escalante, and Miss Kitti! In that order.

You probably all realized this long before I did, but I just now put it all together. And it inspires awe in me.

This Just In

With almost all polls reporting, here are the current Loser standings as we know them:

Men Points
Kevin - 454*

Men Weight
James in Pink - minus 24
Kevin - minus 17*
B.Hammock - minus 7.5

Women Points
Jaime Escalante - 471 points
Jana Brookes - 448
Nicea - 419

Women Weight
Jana Brookes - minus 23
Nicea - minus 14.5
Shawnie - minus 4

*updated 4/24/09

I Think Hell Just Froze Over

No, it isn't hell after all. Just Orem under six inches of snow. (The weather guys are calling it three inches, but what do they know?)

It really IS beautiful, and I'm the first to say so. But who'da thought we'd wake up to this on April 16?

In truth, I wouldn't have it any other way if I were staying inside all day. But I just can't contain myself! Today's the day I'm driving to St. George to pick up these guys:

They flew in from Buffalo to escape the snow.

And they brought their mom.

She doesn't get out much.

We took her to NYC for her birthday last October. I think the birthday dinner and all the excitement were just too much.

She must have been at the dance studio the day our family covered the chapter on Table Manners in the Big City.

The Brookeses AREN'T Babbling......and the Points Are In

No siree! James in Pink and Jana Brookes are killing us in the weight loss competition. They lead the male and female packs, respectively, with a whopping minus TWENTY-ONE pounds lost.

EACH!

(Cute how they've both lost the same amount, huh? You'd think they liked doing things together or something.)

I'll post points later. Still waiting for the dentist.

I think he might be busy packing up his tiny mouth mirror and all those metal pokers that dentists stick in your mouth.

To take them to Colorado. Or maybe he's actually driving to CO as we speak. Or maybe he's already there, in which case, we know why he hasn't had time to email his weekly totals.

It's okay, newlyweds. You're excused.

For a minute.

In other news...

Never mind, there isn't any.

Unless you consider this to be news.

Love you, reunionnaires all.

P.S. Hey, Richard Dandelion, my computer go-to man. I owe you for teaching me how to insert a link. This is a debut in this blog, man!

(And I'll bet Amanda didn't even think I knew what a link was. Ha! Like she implied in her blog, though, I like to think about things for about four months before I act on them. One can never be too careful.)

Addition to Post:
POINTS AND WEIGHT STANDINGS

In the Men's Categories:

#1 points - Kevin with 402 big ones.
#2 points - Banana Hammock with 2.
#3 points - No one.

#1 weight - James in Pink, down 21 pounds!
#2 weight - Kevin, down 17 pounds!
#3 weight - Banana Hammock, down 7.5 pounds!


In the Women's Categories:

#1 points - Jaime Escalante with 416.
#2 points - Jana Brookes with 391.
#3 points - Nicea* with 365.

#1 weight - Jana Brookes with minus 21!
#2 weight - Nicea with minus 10!**
#3 weight - Shawn with minus 5!***

*I've been keeping track of my points at school and forgetting to bring them home to post. I just finally added them all up today. Surprise!

**We didn't weigh in today because we're on spring break, so this may be inaccurate.

***As of April 2.

I Have a Code Id By Doze.

It has the poe-ten-shee-al-i-tee of making me rather mizzer-buhl.

I drips and drains. I snorts and coughs. I blows and wipes. I sniffs. I clears my throat.

And I hunkers down for the duration.

All the vitamin C and healthy eating couldn't save me from little Elthon Sandoval. He coughed. Right in my face! Caught me off guard, he did.

But only once.

Being the fast learner that I am, I ducked all the rest of the times! Yup. Watched those pesky germs sail right over my head.

Yet...

I knew what was coming.

And you knew that the stats from the Stimpson Biggest Loser contest were coming, too. Didn't you.

Here they are:

MOST POINTS (of those reporting):

Men - Kevin with 347! (He's competing against himself. I hope he wins!)

Breaking news at 8 p.m.: Escalante Bumps Women Down a Notch.
Women - 1. Jana Brookes with 332Jaime Escalante with 354! 2. Nicea with 319Jana Brookes with 332!

(I think Jaime Escalante's ahead of me, but she hasn't reported yet and I SO wanted to have my name in lights for just a minute.)

MOST WEIGHT LOST (of those reporting):

Men - 1. James in Pink with minus 20! (WAHOOOOOO) 2. Kevin with minus 13!

Women - 1. Jana Brookes with minus 17! (WAHOOOO) 2. Nicea with minus 10!

(I gained 1/2 pound last week. Must have been those two white-chocolate popcorn balls with M&Ms in 'em at the bridal shower. What?! They were little. They were.)

Guess I'll Blog

It's a conditioned reflex at this point. Pavlov's dogs. The washing machine is re-washing for the third time a load I put in there a few days ago and kept forgetting about. Now I hear the spin cycle and am mysteriously led by my senses to my desk chair.

Which sits in front of my computer.

Which allows me access to the outside world. And a look at your blogs. Since no one in the world has posted or commented in the last few hours, I see that it falls to me to be obliging once again.

Okay. I'm ready. Okay.

My fingers are poised at the keyboard.

They're raring to go.

The washing machine is into the rinse cycle.

It's a race to the finish.

Ready. Set.

Type!

Come on, thoughts. Come to Mommy.

Here goes:



I really have nothing to say.

Except that I'm reading a good book right now called Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortensen that I bought at the University of Notre Dame bookstore.

"Read me. Read me now," it calls.

Its voice is louder than the washing machine's.

Goodbye forever.

Neesh

Melting Fat

Here are Week 6's weigh-in results. Drum roll.

Wait, wait, wait. Hey you Stimpsons who aren't participating, is that the sound of cheering I hear? Yes, indeedy! No, not because you lucky duckies can eat anything you want. Well, you CAN cheer for that, too. If you want. But mostly you're cheering for the weight-loss marathoners. In case there was a question.

I believe in communicating clear expectations.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes, drum roll. Again, please, since we were so rudely interrupted.

Geez.

Most points, men: Kevin with 294!
Second most points, men: Banana Hammock holding at 1. (Yes, that's one! Uno.)

Most points women: Jaime Escalante with 290!
Second most points, women: Jana Brookes with 268!
Third most points, women: Annie with 242!

Most weight lost, men: James in Pink at minus 17!!!
Second most weight lost, men: Kevin at minus 10!!!

Most weight lost, women: Jana Brookes at minus 13!!!
Second most weight lost, women: Nicea at minus 10.5!!!
Third most weight lost, women: Shawn at minus 5!!!

WOOOOP. WOOOOP. WOOOOP.

Prompted by My Sister's Dislike of Spiders...

and copied (almost) word for word from my comment on her blog.

I tell you, I don't love spiders, either, but my biggest, no, HUGEST disgust is with cockroaches. I despise them. I hate them. They are despicable, they are evil, they mess with your head, and they have absolutely no purpose whatsoever on this planet.

I'd be willing to stake my reputation as a cockroach hater that they serve no purpose on any other planet either.

They are COWARDS. They come out at night and sneak into your bread box. They hide under your sink and crawl out of your bathroom drains. When you flip on the light they scatter like a bunch of drug pushers busted by police.

They don't even have the guts to look you in the eye.

Oh, they do have GUTS though. Just try stepping on one.

You'll only do it once.

After that, you'll REMOVE your shoe and hurl it at the perp with every ounce of strength you can muster.

This is my best extermination method because the crash of the impact of shoe against wall makes enough noise that you can't hear the cockroach's body squish. Or, more accurately, crunch.

Unless it's a V-E-R-Y L-A-R-G-E cockroach, in which case I usually bellow and roar while I hurl. (Hurl the shoe I mean.) A deep, gutteral, creeped-out adrenaline roar.

You NEED that much noise because killing a cockroack is to killing a spider as eating potato chips is to eating marshmallows.

But cockroaches can outrun you. So you'd better have both shoes ready. Or a whole arsenal.

And don't think bug spray can save you. I once used nearly a whole (large) can of Raid chasing down one arrogant 4-inch cockroach. All I got was a layer of oily, slippery film on my kitchen floor. The drenched roach got away.

I hope it got arthritis in its knees.

Thank goodness we're not living among them any more. But twenty-one years later, I s.t.i.l.l. r.e.m.e.m.b.e.r.

Who else's children spent their early developmental years yelling, "Roach alert! Roach alert!"

Stardate 3/28/2009 BLOG UPDATE -

Some of us are gonna be pret-ty surprised when we read the Biggest Loser results for the end of Week 4.

UPDATE:

Okay, folks. I hope you weren't holding your collective breath while you waited for the results of last week's weigh in.

Oxygen-deprivation does not a healthy person make.

I apologize from the bottom of my file cabinet for making you wait so long, especially the esteemed James and Jana duo. LOOK AT 'EM GO! Seriously, they're going, going, g-o-i-n-ggggg.......

Most points women: JanaBrookes - 209 !!! (Annie's in 2nd place with 203, followed closely by the Princess with 201.)

Most points men: Kevin - 238!!! Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! (Maybe there's a better expression I could have chosen to celebrate with.)

Most weight lost women: JanaBrookes - 10 lbs. !!!! Followed by Nicea holding at -7 and Shawn with -4.

Most weight lost men: James in Pink - a whopping 12 pounds lost !!! followed by Kevin with -9.

Way to go gentlemen!

This concludes the update. You will may now return to your regularly scheduled program.

END OF UPDATE.

Actually, I just changed my mind.

I'm gonna wait for Annie and Jaime to send me their results before I rush into any hasty revelations. I sooo hate to be wrong, and they might just refute the evidence heretofore collected. Stand by.

An Open Note to Jaime Escalante

I deserve the "you didn't lose it, did you?" comment from you, Jaime. You must know me pretty well!

However, the answer is no, I did not lose your check. It's actually in my purse right here in Indiana. If you don't want to hear the details of the whole story (Shawn, here's where you can tune out because I know how much you love my detailed narratives), you can stop reading now.

So. I put the checks, as they arrived, in my office. Then I remembered that you, Jaime, wanted yours cashed immediately.

(Immediately is a relative term. I learned it from my kids.)

But the next day, in a good-faith move, I made a record of who had paid, then moved the goods into the kitchen and onto the counter where I'd remember to take it all to the bank. A week later it was still there, but with a plan.

It planned to go to the bank.

It told me.

When I was packing to come see The Professor at Catholic school, I transferred the loot to my car and planned to drop it all off at the bank on my way to the airport the next day. However, I didn't get away from school early enough to do that. I'd have missed my flight!

So the Biggest Loser collateral went with me to the shuttle parking lot.

"I shouldn't leave this in my car," something told me, speaking of the money.

I think it was my conscience speaking. So I put it in my purse (the money, not my conscience).

Now it's in South Bend.

It's enjoying the break.

Thoughts on Exercise. . .

as received from a friend at work who forwarded them to me in an email today. I don't know who wrote them but if I did, I would certainly give that clever person credit right here. Since I can't give proper acknowledgement, let me at least share them with my loser family, especially those who haven't done much exercising in recent history but are readying themselves for Weigh-In #3 this weekend.

You know who you are.

"Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed and her thin, cruel lips pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Perky, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And, if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me those stupid barbells. Or anything else that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. And I would have, but I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote so I ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!"

And here, Stimpsons, are the Biggest Loser stats (of those reporting) going into the weekend:

1st place weight loss, women: Nicea (-4), Shawn (-4)

1st place weight loss, men: Kevin (-6)
2nd place weight loss, men: Banana Hammock (-4)

1st place points, women: Jaime Escalante (110)
2nd place points, women: Jana Brookes (85), Princess Consuela (85)

1st place points, men: Kevin (114)
2nd place points, men: no contest (Banana Hammock thinks his total is 700. Ha! Somebody give this boy a reality check, will ya?)

NEW POST

That's all this is. A take-up-the-space post so the old bra one doesn't have first billing any more. Nothing more, nothing less.

I have nothing more to say on the subject of bras. And I sense that the same is true of you.

In fact, I left the old post up long enough for your comments, but since you had nothing whatsoever to say about underwear, well . . . it's okay. I don't blame you.

I blame Oprah.

The saleslady at the store where I bought that particular bra (before it had developed dimples)told me that Oprah had put said bra on the map.

I was smitten by its celebrity.

But I should have known it would fit me differently than it would fit a map.

So, goodbye to the old post. Goodbye to the dimpled underpinning.

Goodbye forever.

Love,
Neecher the Teecher

Why My Bra Has Dimples

Sometime during approximately the third week, perhaps even as specifically as the third day of the third week, of my participation in my school's Biggest Loser contest, I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. Yes, my pants weren't quite as snug. Yes, I was feeling a little more energetic without all the sugar in my system. Yes, I was pretty proud of myself for sticking to the program for this long. And yes, I had lost a few pounds. But to the naked eye none of this was even visible to anyone.

I said to myself, "This isn't even visible to anyone."

But, oh, did my heart sink when I changed into my p.j.s one night and noticed what WAS visible to the naked eye.

Dimples.

In the padding of my bra. What once was convex is now concave.

That's not the region I had in mind when I decided to shed some pounds. (Not that I really care.)

It's just that I don't think it's right.

Pay It Forward

"The first 3 people to leave a comment on this post will receive a handmade (or possibly store-bought) gift from me during this year. When and what will be a surprise. There's a small catch though: you have to post this same thing on your own blog and then come back and leave a comment telling me you're in. Remember, only the first 3 comments receive the gift!

You Are SUCH a Loser

Spread the word to anyone else who wants to participate in the Stimpsons' Biggest Loser. I'll send a point chart via email to everyone so you can track your progress.

We'll start on Monday, February 23 and go from Monday through Sunday every week.

After weighing in on Sundays, email me your weekly results (see chart when it comes in your email) and I'll keep a running total of everyone's progress.

Write your $25 check to me and mail it to me, postmarked no later than March 1. Does that work for everyone? (If you need my address, request it in the comments section below and I'll email it to you.)

When I send you the progress chart (in the next day or two), you can send me, via return email, your current weight and your weight loss goal, i.e., how many pounds you want to lose by June 7.

I made some additional comments on one or two of my previous three posts, but right now I can't remember which ones, so if you have time, there's a little additional information there.

Any suggestions or ideas, let me know.

Current participants: Megara, JanaBrookes, Nicea, Annie, Shawn, Jaime Escalante (points only, not weight), Amanda,The Professor (weight only, not points), Kevin, James in Pink, Princess Consuela, Banana Hammock, Sherry Carpet, COY, and B-Hal.

Did I miss anyone? Jenica, if you see this, tell your dad. He might want to play, too. Jana, would your mom want in? Or your dad? (I know your dad already walks half way around California every day anyway, doesn't he?) I wonder if The Professor wants to do this. Hmmm. I'll ask him. He's returning from Notre Dame tonight to celebrate George Washington's birthday this weekend.

Remember, you set your own weight loss goal. Every pound lost makes YOU a bigger

L-O-S-E-R.

Not to brag, but I've lost 6.75* pounds in two weeks. I won't mention weight loss again. I promise. Unless you ask. But aren't you more motivated now?

*The bad news is that it doesn't show yet.

Annie's Reunion Idea

What would all of you family members think about the idea presented in Annie's comment posted to my previous post (Evolution and Resurrection) and explained by me after hers?

Evolution and Resurrection

A few days ago, Megara recommended a series of exercise videos she thought I might enjoy. This got me thinking, because it's Sunday today, about Sunday sorts of things like evolution and resurrection.

Well, not The Resurrection, per se. More like resurrected things.

Like these weights I asked a loved one to give me for Christmas a few years ago. I'd like to resurrect them.

You never want to give your spouse this kind of gift for Christmas unless they specifically ask for it.

Most people only make this mistake once.

I haven't found my weights yet, but I did dig up my Jane Fonda Workout tape.

"Are you ready to do The Workout?"

Yes, Jane. Hit it.

We were friends.

If you wanted to look like her you wore the whole outfit: leg warmers, footless colored tights, striped leotard with babydoll sleeves. I did. Wear the outfit, I mean. Except, my hair color was the only part of me that ever really looked like her.

I still have the outfit if you ever want to borrow it.

My next get-in-shape era included a set of 7 Winsor Pilates tapes that began with The Basics.


If you preferred, you could start with The 20-Minute Workout and move on to The Bun and Thigh Workout or

The Ab Sculpting Workout,

or The Upper Body Sculpting Workout.

It was a beautiful thing, pilates on tape.

You never had to leave home and you could exercise in your Skivvies, but I never did.

Wear Skivvies, I mean.

I'm not that kind of girl. I wore my Jane Fonda suit.

I bought all of these pilates videos, oh, maybe ten (or seventeen ) years ago and have yet to try the Accelerated Body Sculpting one:

Well, I suppose, to be absolutely honest with you, I should disclose that I don't remember doing any of the videos except The Basics. And maybe the 20-Minute Workout.

It would be fair to say that Advanced Body Slimming would be over my head at this point:

A person can get super deals on these if she's really looking.

I'm always so motivated to exercise when I'm out looking.

Like when I got this video at Costco:

This is its PG-rated video cover. The one I actually bought was more like R-rated so I hid it from my husband because I didn't want him making any comparisons. Not that he would. But still.

I have always tried to err on the side of caution.

I don't remember ever doing Buns and Abs of Steel either, but I did run across this Simply Pilates multipack a year or two later. It came with 26 flash cards, a dvd and a booklet.

I was taken in by the flashcards. Flashcards call my name.

Because they know I'm a teacher.

Maybe I'll open them tomorrow and see what they look like.

My most recent purchase was this 3 in 1 Exercise Ball: The Complete Collection.

I actually bought it right after Christmas and my husband found it in my car about 10 days ago.

I had been wondering for some time what was in that pile in the back seat.

Apparently he didn't want it in there when we picked up our friends to take them to dinner. Apparently.

In fairness to myself in my latest efforts to get fit, I did lose 1.5 pounds in my first week, and I'll be weighing in at school again on Tuesday to see how my second week went.

And walking on this every day.
Which brings us to the current evolution of my ever-endangered, precariously-perched-on-the-edge-of-extinction workout routine.

One of my colleagues at school is using the following exercise plan. I think he found it on the internet. If I can't find my weights, I think this will be a good alternative:

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato bags. Then try 50-lb. potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

This concludes my Sabbath thoughts on evolution and resurrection. Thanks for reading.